My Dearest Ry,
I am drowning. I cannot find the surface. Which way is up? I keep fighting, kicking my legs, moving my arms. Trying & trying to find the surface so I can take a deep breath. Refill my lungs of the oxygen they desperately seek. The sadness, the grief, strangle me. Some days taking a deep breath is impossible. As if someone, something, is sitting upon my chest.
We’ve officially reached one year. One year of you not being here. One year without your voice. One year without your laughter. One year without, you. & there it is. You are not here. Your absence is noticeable in everything I do. My world is so blank without you. I struggle to find the light. Doc is my light. Lurch is my light. Mom & Dad give me light. But your light, the brightest light there was, is gone. You. Are. Gone.
I struggled going to sleep last night because last year at this time I didn’t know what I would be waking up to but this year, this year I knew I’d be waking up without you. So, sleep did not come easily and waking up this morning did not come easy either. It seems like it all happened yesterday. Hearing you shout my name, even though we lived in different houses & you had already left us. Getting that awful phone call. Feeling my world crashing down around me. Calling Doc to come back to me. Screaming at Jesus to just bring you back. Breathe life into you again. The hospital, Doc catching me before I hit the floor, the doctors, the investigators. Leaving the hospital, Dawna racing to my side, explaining to everyone what happened. Having to call mom and dad & say words that will forever haunt them. The true bearer of bad news. I can feel all of the pain, the sadness, as if I am living those days again.
I take solace in the knowledge that you are at true peace. You soul is at rest. You are home. I will continue walking through this life while longing for the eternal life I am promised, with you & our Lord. I long for that day to come. To be with you again. To be in Heaven with you, next to you. A true homecoming.
I love you, Ryan. I miss you more & more each day. Until I see you again…Fly High, Ryguy. ❤