One year. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes. 31,540,000 seconds. My lungs have continued functioning. My heart continues to beat. & I’m not really sure how. I’m not sure how I kept breathing after that morning. My insides felt like they had been set on fire. My chest felt like it caved in upon itself. And yet, the world kept turning. The sun kept setting, rising. The stars continued to shine in the darkest of nights. & that is what stuck out to me. Even in the darkest of nights, there are still stars to light the way.
Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters,I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
You know what always sticks out to me about this verse? God says, “when”. He does not say, “if or maybe”. But WHEN. The flames and waters will be different for a lot of people. A lot of people will not suffer through the loss of a child, a brother. A lot of people will never have to experience that pain. & thank you, Jesus for that. There are so many families that do have to suffer this pain. & so many are left with the obvious angry question, WHY?!
Ryan, I remember screaming my lungs out on the way to the house that morning. Screaming at Jesus to give you back. To breathe life back into you. Because the moment I got the call I just knew deep in my soul that you were gone. & I was so empty at that moment. So, so, empty. However, let me say this. Had Jesus listened to me and gave you back that morning, what would your life had looked like? What pain would you have endured? Because in that moment, when I was demanding so much of my God, all I was thinking about was the soul-crushing pain I was feeling. I was not concentrating on what your life would be like had you been brought back to us. But JESUS WAS. He was concerned with your suffering. With your pain. & He did what I could not. He SAVED you. He RESCUED you.
So, on the days where I cannot see straight & the tears are poring down my cheeks, I am grieving for my loss. Because, my dear brother, you are engraved into my very being. You are part of me. & learning to live in a world where you are not is so very difficult. It’s navigating a foreign world without any maps, without instruction. It’s difficult. It’s painful.
But my Jesus, my sweet, sweet, Jesus is my star in the darkness. My guiding light. He is my map. My instruction. Leading me closer to Him, and closer to you.
I love you, Ryan. You are my heartbeat. Fly High, Ryguy.