Emotions were running high the past week. No real reason though. Other than, you are not here. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, “It’s not fair!”. But I know that that is not my soul speaking, it is my flesh. & I know that my spirit is in constant battle with the sinful nature of my flesh. For my flesh lusts after all the things of this world but my spirit, oh my spirit, it craves my Jesus. I also know that anytime thoughts of blame towards God, or unfairness from God, etc. start entering my mind that it is the enemy’s way of trying to separate me from the unwavering love of my Jesus. The unending Hope. He will always be my anchor, my hope. The very minute I begin to think of how unfair it is that you are gone, my soul steps in & says, “but he is with Jesus”. & all of a sudden my soul is calmed, even if my flesh still weeps. I think that is okay. I think it’s okay for me to cry even though I know that you are Home.
I miss you. Those three words do not seem to convey the brutal emotion that is behind them. I don’t think there is anything to truly express how I feel without you here. All I know is that it feels as if there is a literal hole in my chest. As if, somedays I cannot truly feel anything. As if, the joys and sorrows of the days just pass straight through me. Then other days come and it is as if I can feel quite literally everything. An overload of emotion. And then there are days where I’m just, content.
I think that’s all for today.
I love you, Ry. Always.